EarlofMarch

Is it wrong to yearn to remain naive forever? Is it wrong to clutch at the strands of fantasy that leaves one pining for more? Is it wrong to feel one’s soul crash at the end of a tale? I want to live like this forever. In a dream land. Surrounded by all the people I love. Doing the things I love. I want time to stand still. I want to tell to time “I’m happy now. Please, stay this way for a little while longer.”

Oh I don’t want to grow old and serious. I don’t want to talk about the weather and politics and be responsible. I want to be carefree like a bird that’s just spread it’s wings. I don’t want to feel the disappointment of failure or weep over the loss of a loved one. Ignorantly blissful, I want to live this way.

Smiling at small things, laughing at the lesser things in life. Enjoying the normal things I have with me. Yearning for the finer but never needing it. Ah!

He rode with red, he rode with light,

and behind his steed the sunlight blazed.

Over the shores that seemed empty,

and past the fields that seemed dead,

the stars above seemed to bleed,

with words that near him lay.

When nights had come and nights had been lost,

and the journey seemed to go on alone

Far away the birds seemed to sing,

as close to his ears the wind danced.

Yet when his eyes to them he’d turn,

Only the velvet blanket of night,

remained to envelope him in warm embrace.

After time fleeted, as it always has,

his steed fell to the ground and shook.

He watched with somber eyes as he

his knife from his sachet removed,

and slit the poor thing’s neck wide.

As the merry blood trickled onto the ground,

he lay beside his friend, in last communion.

Now no longer gallant he walked,

no higher than the common man.

And spent many a nights in numbed sleep,

where the visions of the morrow sought to trouble him.

The plagued man who sought to recapture,

the treasures that he’d thrown away.

Have you ever given up on something and been content about it until someone passed an offhand remark about it which reignited all those old emotions that you’d managed to bury?

A huge thing in a law students life is this activity called mooting. It’s a mock court session that isn’t  really identical to a real court but is great for honing one’s writing skills and the like. You get a legal problem which tests your legal skills and you’re supposed to write down a memo detailing your arguments and present an oral presentation.

Unfortunately, the last time I tried, I failed terribly. My memo was great! I’ve never been bad at logically setting down things. It was my oral presentation that wrecked. As much as I’d like to attribute it to my fast paced speech and other extraneous factors. My biggest error was relying on a written speech and not memorizing (not word for word, but you get what I mean) my arguments. I knew that it was a  bad move, but thanks to all the people who told me that “judges would recognize a first time mooter and wouldn’t mind the speech thingie that much” I felt my own inhibitions fade.

Anyway, the judges weren’t very pleased with my constant referral to a written script, which coincidentally had taken me hours to write. It was a splendid work of art. :P

But the judges weren’t aware of that. As far as they were concerned I was simply another fellow who hadn’t bothered to research enough to know the case facts by heart. Even though I had read every case I had cited and more. I just didn’t make it a point to memorize it all because I didn’t think it was needed.

Anyway that was a bad move which made me score very very very very low on the orals. I barely qualified for my university rounds.

Which I decided not to do. Given that my class rounds had been dismal. No one really chided me that much when I told them I wouldn’t do univs. My friends gave me the normal, “you won’y improve if you don’t try.” lecture rather half heartedly and then told me I could quit if I wanted so my weak self gave way and I did not participate in the univ rounds.

So imagine my surprise when the very same friend today (the last date for memo submission) told me that I’d just backed out because I was bad at it and was making reasons to avoid doing it because I didn’t want to improve – before getting up and walking away when I told her that I didn’t want to do it because I was bad at it and didn’t see the point. (Yes, I’d gotten pretty sad about it.) 

I was okay with quitting but that one remark set off a chain reaction in me. Suddenly, I felt like my ego had been bruised. I couldn’t understand why someone who’d seemed so complacent about my giving up suddenly felt the need to tell me that I had given up because I was bad it and didn’t want to improve. I knew that already. She’d known it for quite a while. I’d just never had it told to my face.

Her advice however was a couple of weeks too late. 

To me I think it was more about reasserting her academic position. See, law school is a place where your academic performance is REALLY important. Her doing the moot meant that she was ahead in terms of experience in comparison to me. I was taken aback by her sudden reassertion. I mean, couldn’t a riveting speech like that be given to me BEFORE I’d decided to call it quits? Why tell me that it was wrong to quit after I’d already quit. Especially when she could’ve told me that BEFORE the moot so that I could’ve actually acted on it.

It still feels pretty hurtful. I don’t know if the entire blog makes sense. I know it’s sort of like a personal account, but I did make this blog to communicate with the few lurkers in the internet so that I get some solace.

Anyway, I plan to do the univs next year. Hopefully it will go well.

Little bird hopped off the branch,

and fell down down down.

The grass was dry and crinkly too,

as it’s wings were crushed.

It stared up at the nest,

that suddenly seemed so far.

And squawked out pitifully raising it’s little head up.

 

A human came along and saw,

a chance to add another star.

She picked up the little bird,

and watched as it stared behind.

The little nest growing out of sight,

it’s mother’s anguished wails lost.

 

A day went by, another week,

the bird lay weak on it’s side.

The human laughed and fed it nuts,

poured water down it’s parched throat.

Soon it sat upright again,

but it’s wings were bent and useless then.

 

The human who found the bird,

lay it down on a branch.

The little bird that could not fly,

stared as the figure walked away.

 

So dear readers, my last post must’ve seemed rather violent. It was filled with anger and animosity and it is true that I was rather upset then. But it’s different now, my feelings. I don’t feel upset anymore. I still wonder about the point of life but I’m glad that my optimistic side has won out this time. I want to live. Live an incredibly vibrant life filled with happiness and contentment with all the people I love. I want to fall in love and go to new places. I want to make the people I love happy. 

I still am afraid of the hardships that await in life. The future failures and rejections, but I can’t let that get me down I suppose. I need to be a different person. A more sincere, hardworking person. Or else my dreams will abandon me too.

My dreams that are like the candles that light my way when I’m sad and upset. If I lose them I’ll know that I have no further reason to live. So for my sake and mine alone I suppose I must fight. Fight to make sure my life is not one that is filled with regret. I must do that while I’m young now. The future can only be decided by my current actions I suppose. Ah well. :)

What do you do when you start feeling really lonely? When you’re thousands of miles away from your family and home and there’s no one who seems to or seeks to understand you? 

What do you do when you’re a so called different race from the people who live in the place you do and that they can’t seem to accept you for who you are?

I don’t want to set any misunderstandings. I study in one of the best law schools in the country whose citizen I am and am surrounded by a few hundred of the brightest minds in our country. So why? Why would people who have read so much and know so much and claim to be so liberal still be bound by such primitive notions? 

It’s because they think that what they’re doing is not racism.

It’s not racism if it’s a joke.

It’s not racism if you know it’s offensive but you say it anyway after adding the phrase, “I’m not racist BUT-“

It’s not racism if you’re “putting up” with a person of another race.

It’s not racism if you don’t have any problems with the other person you just won’t date them or intermingle with them and the likes.

Since I’ve left my hometown I’ve been subject to a lot of these “jokes”. At least multiple times a day by even my close friends. I’m supposed to laugh it off and not be offended or else they’ll be offended at the fact that I’m offended.

After all I “know” it’s a joke so why am I taking it so seriously?

It’s because with each “joke” they make they’re continuously reminding me of the fact that I’m different than them. That I don’t belong there. And they don’t realize it because they think it’s not a problem. It’s just jokes after all.

Well it’s not a joke if you’re the butt of it every single day and the same things are said over and over again. Jokes stop being funny after the first few times. The reason why these “jokes” can be told every single day time after time after time is because they’re not jokes. You’re laughing at someone else’s expense and it subconsciously makes you feel better. You have a victim who cannot retaliate because there’s nothing to say to a jibe that is so baseless. You’re laughing because it’s not a joke.

People have always gone on and on about how victims of racism over react. They have no idea how it feels like to be looked down on because you come from a particular place or are of a different “race” (in this 21st century). They do not understand that this is a life long curse. They connect it to other problems of their own because they do not know that a man who has always been free knows not how a chained man feels.

Ah well, sorry for the rant. I usually don’t feel so disappointed but I couldn’t help it. I just wish there were more people in this world who didn’t care about petty things such as race or colour.

By disguising a racist act as a “joke” you’re pretty much perpetuating the notion. One is not able to forget the past.

A ghoul and a human. Someone once said that if you were both you could live in both worlds but that’s not true. How do you live in the two worlds when they do not accept you?  

Indeed I’m very lonely. I don’t see the point of living a life that is so unfair. Yet I’ll have to keep living for reasons unknown. 

Sun-burnt smile dances on your little lips.

Little feet run up the wooden stairs,

As black your hair moves around,

With the rain clinging on to it desperately.

 

I stare at you with eyes unnoticed,

But you look at me as I walk past.

My little heart beating softly inside me.

Preserving your glance as I disappear.

 

(I’m not a pedophile. :) I just called it that because I still think back fondly on memories of my first crush and I still remember his face when I walked past him.)

 

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