EarlofMarch

I feel especially tensed today. I was filling in an entry in my diary when I realized that I am actually quite unhappy with the way I am right now. Or rather, I feel claustrophobic thinking about how every move I make is monitored by society. It’s made me wonder how someone as crazy and independent as me has suddenly become a serf to society.

Being a responsible adult, dressing a certain way, talking a certain way. Did I actually make all those decisions? Who am I?

I’m a loner. I like being alone and with my laptop, watching obscure shows till the wee hours of the morning. I’ve pretty much rejected society and thoughts of a normal life. But I can’t help but wonder. Am I really okay with the way I am? Do I actually like being alone? When and how did I become a loner? Wasn’t I an incredibly jovial social person? I used to love reading and playing with my friends! (I use the word “play” because the last time I did anything of the sort I was in grade 8).

I’ve rejected society, but why? Am I actually independent? Am I okay with having no one to rely on. Am I okay with being friendless, alone and desolate? Am I fine? How did I become this way?
I’m sorry for the rant. It’s just that I’ve never thought about how I turned out this way. I love myself. I’m not depressed. But I do want to know why i am the way I am. And at the same time I cannot help but feel suffocated by the world around me.

The world that wants me to conform to a certain norm. The world that wants me to do something I may not enjoy. The world that turns a blind eye. I turn a blind eye. But can I really blame the world? Maybe I’m not brave enough. Maybe it is me who does not have the courage to spread my wings and soar. Soar. Soar. Soar.

I want so much more that it’s making me choke up. Please, I want to break free of these chains.

Are there any chains?